Looking for tips on parenting your strong-willed child? Spirited, Strong-willed… these kids can be difficult! It’s important to understand that labeling a child as a ‘bad kid’ is misleading. Often, these children are just misunderstood or mischaracterized. Reframing your perspective on their behavior can foster better parent-child relationships. These parenting ideas will help you and your child live in peace.
Understanding Spirited Children
Parenting a spirited child can feel like a rollercoaster ride, filled with highs and lows. But understanding what makes your child spirited can help you navigate this journey with more confidence and less frustration.
What is a Spirited Child?
A spirited child is one who is strong-willed, determined, and bursting with energy. These kids are often described as “high-energy” and “intense” due to their unique personality traits. It’s important to remember that spirited children are not “bad kids” or inherently difficult; they simply require a different approach to parenting and discipline. Their strong sense of autonomy, independence, and self-expression sets them apart and can be both a challenge and a gift.
Qualities of Spirited Kids
Spirited kids are a whirlwind of activity and emotion. Here are some of the standout qualities that define them:
- Strong Sense of Self and Independence: Spirited kids know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. This strong sense of self can lead to power struggles, but it also means they are likely to grow into confident adults.
- High Energy Levels and Activity: These children are always on the go, making it essential to find constructive outlets for their energy.
- Determination and Persistence: Once they set their mind on something, they are relentless. This determination can be frustrating in the moment but is a trait that will serve them well in the future.
- Emotional Intensity and Sensitivity: Spirited kids feel everything deeply, from joy to frustration. This emotional intensity can be overwhelming but also means they are incredibly empathetic and loving.
- Creativity and Imagination: Their minds are always buzzing with ideas, making them naturally creative and imaginative.
- Strong Opinions and Assertiveness: They are not shy about expressing their thoughts and feelings, which can lead to conflicts but also means they are clear communicators.
- Need for Control and Autonomy: Spirited kids thrive when they have a sense of control over their environment and decisions.
These qualities can make spirited kids challenging to parent, but they also bring many benefits, such as creativity, leadership skills, and a strong sense of self.
Identifying a Spirited Child
Wondering if your child is spirited? Here are some signs to look out for:
Signs of a Spirited Child
- Highly Energetic and Active: Spirited children often have trouble sitting still or calming down. They are always on the move, exploring and engaging with their surroundings.
- Strong-Willed and Determined: These kids resist authority and push boundaries. They have a clear idea of what they want and are not easily swayed.
- Emotionally Intense: Spirited children experience strong feelings and reactions to situations. Their emotions can be overwhelming, both for them and for you.
- Highly Sensitive: They pick up on subtle cues and emotions from others, making them very empathetic but also easily affected by their environment.
- Creative and Imaginative: Spirited kids often express themselves through art, music, or other forms of self-expression. Their creativity knows no bounds.
- Assertive and Opinionated: They express their thoughts and feelings clearly and directly, often leading to spirited debates and discussions.
If you recognize several of these signs in your child, it’s likely that they are spirited. Remember, every child is unique, and spirited children can exhibit a range of traits and behaviors. Embrace their individuality and use these insights to better understand and support your spirited child.
How To Deal with a Difficult Child
Parenting a strong-willed child can be both difficult and rewarding. I remember when my daughter was younger and I first learned the word ‘spirited’ because a babysitter had used that word to describe my daughter. At first, I didn’t really know what that was, but after looking into it I realized… oh, yeah… that’s SO her!
Life feels overwhelming and controlled by the child’s demands, creating a perception that life is dictated by their terms rather than a collaborative family dynamic.
For years I sat there listening to the advice of friends and family around me. Everyone had an opinion that would make her more well-behaved. She needed more discipline, she needed a firmer hand, more structure, and more consequences. But what my strong-willed daughter really needed was a strong mom.
It turns out what I was doing wrong, was listening to those other moms.
Every kid is extremely individual and so the way they are parented should be too. The helpful advice of my friends often made situations worse when I tried to implement their parenting strategies. It took me years to realize that I needed to find what works best for my daughter. And before I could do that, I had to truly see her as she is… a strong-willed child.
I’m here to tell you, there is hope! Every tantrum, every argument, every eye roll, and all the yelling, can be turned around.
First things first, take all that advice you’ve gotten over the years and forget it. Every person who has tried to tell you how to raise your spirited child… screw them! Every bad look you’ve gotten for letting your child throw a temper tantrum… erase it from your mind.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s move on!
You might also enjoy: The Parenting Skills You Need for Raising a Strong-Willed Child
Characteristics of the Strong-Willed Child
Spirited kids can be demanding, argumentative, emotional, and impulsive (I see you nodding your head to all of those things). But they can also be very intelligent, funny, loving, and sensitive. Strong-willed children are full of big emotions. They love hard, but they fight hard also.
Parenting two children, especially when one is spirited and the other is more easygoing, presents unique challenges and dynamics. The often intense and chaotic experiences that come with raising strong-willed kids can affect daily routines and emotional balance.
The key to being a good parent to a strong-willed child is maintaining that unique spirit of theirs. Encourage their strong abilities, but keep them grounded enough to not let their emotions run wild.
A childcare professional once told me “Spirited kids always end up being leaders. It could be the leader of a major corporation or the leader of a gang… it’s your job as a parent to guide them down the right path.” I mean, no pressure or anything, right?
Parenting the Strong-Willed Child
The key to being a good parent to a strong-willed child is maintaining that unique spirit of theirs. Encourage their strong abilities, but keep them grounded enough to not let their emotions run wild.
A childcare professional once told me “Spirited kids always end up being leaders. It could be the leader of a major corporation or the leader of a gang… it’s your job as a parent to guide them down the right path.” I mean, no pressure or anything, right?
Tips for Raising a Spirited Child
Let them make their own choices
Spirited kids have strong ideas about what they want. Telling them what to do and how to do it will only make them more frustrated, which will come across as anger and frustration. Let them make choices as often as possible. Just be there to help them make the right ones.
Don’t give them too many choices
So… which is it? While strong-willed kids need to be a part of making more choices, they also get overwhelmed if there are too many choices to make. This can often lead to challenging behaviour, especially when managing their temperament. Instead of leaving them to their own devices, give them 2-3 choices and let them make their decision off of that.
Give them predictable routines
Strong-willed kids need routine. They thrive in it. I’ve learned many times over that if I switch up the routine, if we go or do something new, it’s best to talk about it the day or two before. Springing things on them at the last minute incites panic in a spirited child and will throw their behavior into chaos.
The routines that work for spirited kids may differ significantly from those that work for other kids, highlighting the unique challenges parents face.
See also: Guide to a Stress-Free Morning Routine with Kids
Don’t try to reason with them
Strong-willed kids know the rules and they know what’s expected of them. Every time they break a rule or act out, it’s for a specific reason. Trying to reason with them or explain what they did wrong will get you nowhere. It will only increase their bad behavior because they are getting your attention, leading to a power struggle between you and your child.
Redirect their attention
When you can see a situation starting to get away from you, especially with a spirited kid, redirect them. Spirited kids often have intense focus, and concentrating on one thing that is getting them frustrated will just escalate to a point of no return. Recognize when this is starting to happen and redirect them to a different topic.
Stick to your guns
Strong-willed children will test you, and they will not give up if they are not getting what they want. If you tell them something, stick to it. Breaking your word even once will make a spirited child test you even harder the next time.
Other parents have shared similar experiences and challenges, emphasizing the importance of consistency and community support in navigating these issues.
Don’t nag them
A spirited child only needs to be told things one time. If they don’t do what you asked or break a rule they know exists, they already know what they did wrong. They just want to interact with you as much as possible. So the more you nag, the more they get your attention and the more they escalate. Say something once to them and leave it at that.
Listen
Take time and listen to your child. Whether it’s about their day, or why they got into a fight with their friends. A strong-willed child, often exhibiting challenging behaviour, will communicate until they feel like they have been heard. If you try to cut them off, it will only frustrate them more. They need to be heard. Understanding the reasons behind their actions is crucial. Listen to what they have to say, and communicate back with them.
Pick your battles to avoid power struggles
Strong-willed children, especially a high energy kid, will often need to test their own abilities. Let them wear a wacky outfit to school, let them go out in the cold with no jacket on. In some instances, they will just need to learn things for themselves. Chalk this up to their intelligence. They can’t be told how things work, they have to figure it out. So pick your battles, and learn to let them do some things that make you cringe.
Always use positive parenting
If you are unfamiliar with positive parenting, check out this book. It’s a lifesaver in learning how to parent your strong-willed child. It teaches you to ignore the bad and reward the good. Understanding and addressing a child’s behavior through positive reinforcement, while avoiding negative labels, is essential. Spirited kids thrive on positive reinforcement, so positive parenting is crucial to a happy and well-behaved strong-willed child.
Strong-willed children are Passionate
If you haven’t noticed by now, anytime you yell at your spirited kid, they yell back, their anger gets worse and the situation elevates. It’s critical as a parent to a strong-willed child to try to stay calm even in the most intense situations.
They are also very eager to please. Give them a compliment or praise on a job well done, and they will go out of their way to achieve more.
Raising a spirited kid can often be exhausting and difficult. But the passion and love they have can always outshine the negatives.
If you can survive their childhood, remember that they often grow up to be self-motivated adults who often become leaders. With every tantrum they throw, remind yourself you could be raising a future CEO or President.
So all of you with your perfectly behaved, quiet, nice little children… you can have them. Because my daughter… one day, she’s going to rule the world!
I absolutely love this article! I have two boys who are very strong willed, I can totally relate to these scenarios and highly agree with all your tips!
You say this in the beginning of your article “The key to being a good parent to a strong-willed child is maintaining that unique spirit of theirs. Encourage their strong abilities, but keep them grounded enough to not let their emotions run wild.”
I could not agree more!
When I was a very new mom going through these roller coasters trying to figure everything out AKA how the heck I was going to survive my SWC 🙂 all of the articles I read really made me feel like I was an outcast in the parenting community. I mean I couldn’t be the only one with a SWC right?
Anyways my point is I really enjoyed your article and admire your parenting style. I look forward to reading more from you. Beautiful and informative article, thank you!
Thank you for your kind words! I think in the beginning, we let other moms and other advice dictate how we raise our kids. But after a while, it becomes really plain to see… every kid is unique and the way we raise them has to be unique too. Not every kid fits a mold. And the sooner we start doing what’s best for our kids, and not other moms, the happier we all are!
Gosh, I can totally relate to this! Both my boys are strong-willed and I use many of these tips. Thanks.
I can totally relate to it and the tips you have given are rally well working as I am already using many of these my highly spirited boy.
I just read this article while looking for advice to raise my strong willed toddler. She s only 1.5 years but she is very very strong willed. I feel exhausted as my husband is overseas and only comes once a year. Lately I found myself yelling at her and getting mad at her but I thought I maybe hurting her personality at such a young age by doing that. But many say we must correct them right away.
Your article helped a lot to clear my mind. I really want the best for my daughter and don’t want to paint a negative image or get her frustrated. Again thanks a lot your article gave me a new perspective. I was thinking either she must be a very stubborn toddler or I must be doing something wrong or i was not a good mum. Again thank you!
Oh my gosh, you are NOT a bad mom! But I know what you mean, I felt the same way. You just have a strong-willed child. And they need a different type of discipline than other kids. Even at this young age, focus on your positive parenting. Reward and acknowledge the good behaviors, ignore the bad. It’s hard at first. But I promise you… it will work in time! Strong-willed kids LOVE To please!
Are you sure you didn’t write this about my daughter? Scary…we even both reference the leader of the world or a gang!!! A friend of mine told that to me a long time ago and it has stuck with me so today to see it in your blog made me laugh! I LOVE the term spirited and I will use that moving forward! Great article 🙂
This! I’ve been struggling with my 4 year old daughter for like her whole life and I couldn’t quite put my finger on our situation but this spells it out exactly. Thank you for writing this!
Oh Mama thank you so much. I am a solo mother of a beautifully SPIRITED 3.5 year old. Most days lead me to my knees in despair. The only thing I can keep doing is reminding myself of the above tools. And that we will get through it.
Thank you
Desperate Mama from the UK
Oh girl I feel you! solo mom here too. Remember the higher her temper gets, the lower yours needs to be and you’ll even each other out. Its tough, but you can do it!
One question. What do you do when your spirited child doesn’t do as they’re told
You say , say it once and then leave it but what do you do when there’s something that needs to be done?? I have an 8 year old daughter who is so strong willed, yet very sensitive just how you describe who ends up upset after Iv shouted at her.
With spirited kids, it’s important to remember NOT to shout (even though it’s hard sometimes!) because when you accelerate your emotions, they will accelerate theirs higher. So after you’ve said something once and they don’t listen, they get a consequence. Keep it short and simple. “Rule broken… you’ll need to sit quietly in your room now” and you’ll most likely be met with a lot of resistance and crying. Don’t explain, don’t bargain, just keep repeating “Rule broken”. Spirited kids resist at first, but ultimately they want acceptance and praise. So when she calms down, you praise her for calming down. Keep the punishments low and the praise high.
Thank you so much