How Do You Calm an Angry Child Down? Effective Ways to Teach Them

Anger Management In Kids: How To Get Your Kids To Handle Their Big Feelings

Learning to control your emotions can be hard for most adults. So we can’t expect kids to just know how to either, without any guidance from the adults in their lives.

If you are looking for effective ways to teach angry kids to calm down, this list is perfect for you.

(A total game-changer is this book… Take the Grrr Out of Anger)

How many of us parents thought we knew exactly what we were doing before we had kids?

And then we became parents and holy smokes it turns out we knew nothing.

We learned about how to do effective timeouts and when to say sorry. But what about those kids that have some real anger problems? The hitters, the screamers, the spirited kids that already have emotions bigger than life? Understanding and addressing a child’s anger is crucial. Recognizing the underlying feelings that trigger their anger and responding with empathy can make a significant difference. Sometimes, seeking external help like family therapy is necessary when anger becomes frequent and uncontrollable.

If you have a spirited, or strong-willed child, you know better than anyone when that big outburst is going to hit.

We can see it coming a mile away, certain triggers that cause these kids to get angry. And a lot of times there isn’t much you can do to prevent it from happening.

(You might also be interested in The Parenting Skills You Need for Raising a Spirited Child)

But there are ways to de-escalate the anger once it’s hit. Understanding your child’s behavior is key. Parents often misinterpret their children’s actions as provocations, but these reactions often stem from personal experiences and unresolved issues. By managing your own feelings, you can avoid negatively impacting your child’s development and overall behavior. There are some simple techniques you can easily implement that will help your angry kid to calm down in their moment of anger.

Understanding and Validating Big Feelings

Understanding and validating a child’s big feelings is crucial in helping them manage their emotions and develop self-regulation skills. When a child is feeling angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, it’s essential to acknowledge and accept their emotions, rather than dismissing or minimizing them. This helps the child feel heard and understood, which can calm them down and reduce the intensity of their emotions.

Imagine your child is feeling angry because they didn’t get the toy they wanted. Instead of saying, “Stop being silly,” try saying, “You seem really upset right now. It can be frustrating when we don’t get what we want.” By recognizing and labeling their emotions, you offer empathy and understanding, which can be incredibly soothing for an angry child.

Validating a child’s feelings involves recognizing and labeling their emotions, and offering empathy and understanding. For example, “You seem really upset right now. It can be frustrating when we don’t get what we want.” By acknowledging the child’s feelings, you help them develop emotional awareness and regulation skills, which are essential for managing big feelings.

It’s also important to teach children that it’s okay to feel angry or upset and that these feelings are a normal part of life. By doing so, you help them develop a positive relationship with their emotions and reduce the likelihood of them becoming overwhelmed or aggressive. Remember, teaching children to understand and manage their big feelings is a vital step in helping them grow into emotionally healthy adults.

Monkey See Monkey Do

Always a good reminder that EVERYTHING we do as adults is an example for our kids.

How well do you control your anger? Being aware of and managing your own emotions, especially anger, is crucial. If you are prone to yelling and outbursts, your kid will be too.

Learn to keep an even tone and stay calm (easier said than done sometimes). If your kids see you staying calm, they will be more likely to do the same thing.

Practice The Freeze Game

If you happen to walk into the middle of a fight already in progress, say “freeze”. Kids respond to this because they know it from games and from school If they can ‘freeze’ they will instantly stop yelling, crying, or screaming.

They will also immediately put their focus on you. And once you can get them to do that, you can sweep in with the next technique to get them to control what was going on before you intervened.

ake 3 deep breaths or count to 10

Daniel Tiger says it best “When you’re feeling mad and you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to 4!”

I sang this with my daughter at a young age because I could already see her little bossy personality coming out. And it helped us ever since.

It’s a technique even adults use and will serve kids well throughout their lives.

Acknowledge Their Anger

There is nothing worse to a kid than someone who doesn’t understand WHY they are angry. Even if you don’t truly understand, or you disagree with their reason to be angry… you still need to acknowledge it.

“I know you are really upset about that kid taking your toy. It’s your toy and you don’t want to share”. Something like this lets kids know you understand them.

You are not agreeing with them, or even telling them their feelings are valid. You are just acknowledging how they feel. Once you do this, it’s easier to remove them from the situation and talk about better behavior later. However, be cautious of inadvertently reinforcing their angry behavior. Certain parenting techniques, like adjusting your actions to avoid triggering a tantrum, may ultimately reward the angry behavior, leading to negative outcomes.

If you really want to teach angry kids to calm down, you NEED to make them feel like they are being heard. So acknowledging their anger is a key component of that!

Leave Problem-Solving For Another Time

When an adult is already angry, is that a good time to tell them MORE stuff to make them angry?

Heck no! Kids are no different.

No one wants to hear what they did wrong when they are already worked up. Your first priority is to get a kid to calm down. Work on ways to better the behavior another time. 

Ask Them How You Can Help

After you acknowledge their feeling, ask them what they need. Do they need you to get their toy back? Do they need you to be mad with them? Do they just need a hug?

Let an angry child have a little bit of control over the situation and they are way more likely to calm down quicker.

Take Some Alone Time

To teach angry kids to calm down, consider giving them some alone time!

It’s pretty much a timeout but without using that terminology. When my daughter gets really mad, at other kids or even at me, I ask her to go to her room for some alone time. Time to do whatever she needs.

I don’t put a limit on it. I just tell her to have some time to herself until she calms down and then we can talk about what upset her later.

Teaching kids to learn when to walk away from a bad situation will serve them well in their adult years! If only more adults had this skill…

Strategies To Help Them Get Rid of Their Anger

When I send my daughter to her room for “alone time”, I give her some ideas of things she can do to get her anger out.

Parents often misinterpret their child’s actions as provocations for their anger, which can lead to a cycle of emotional responses that are harmful to both the parent and child. Understanding these child acts is crucial for managing emotions responsibly.

I learned this after the first time I left her to her own devices and she flung a piggy bank at the wall. Breaking the bank and putting a dent in the wall.

(You might also be interested in Skills Your Daughter Should Know Before She Becomes an Adult)

So here are some ideas kids can do to get out of their frustrations when they are mad. So they don’t destroy your home!

Practice these ideas even when they are not angry, so they will know exactly how to implement them when the time comes:

• Punch a pillow (my daughter’s favorite) or scream into the pillow.

• Put headphones on and listen to music. Sing loudly with a song.

• Write in a journal. Or write a letter to the person who made you mad (but don’t give it to them!)

• Shred paper. Keep old magazines just for this reason. Let a kid go nuts and tear that magazine up!

• Talk to someone. When I get mad, I love to call my bestie and vent to her. Kids might enjoy doing the same. Let them call an Aunt they are close to or a grandparent.

• Do wall push-ups. Lean against a wall and push push push as hard as they can!

• Go outside and run, or kick a ball.

Self Control, An Essential Life Skill

Learning to calm down when we are angry is an essential skill as an adult. Not being able to calm down our emotions can affect us in relationships, employment, and even friendships.

The Child Mind Institute discusses the challenges of managing explosive behavior in children, highlighting how such behavior often stems from an inability to communicate emotions effectively. They emphasize that children who lash out are in distress and may be struggling with skills like impulse control and problem-solving, and urge parents to respond thoughtfully to help children learn healthier coping mechanisms.

It’s an important life skill we all need to have and there is no better place to start than in childhood.

Your kids can have the same outcome. With too many outbursts of anger, they can lose friendships and do poorly in school. Teaching them at an early age will help them to be more successful as adults.